Letter #7

Dear M,

I think breaking up with a childhood friend is never a good idea.

Anurima and I broke up a few days ago and truth be told, I haven't been at rest since. It feels like a huge part of me went missing the moment we both lashed out at each other saying, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore." And just like that, 20 years of friendship shattered within a second. 

I don't know if it was my pride but I was not ready to be blamed and snarred at once again for things that happened years ago when I had no idea about how the world works. How things fall into place, what sex feels like and most of all what is the difference between loving a man and a woman. To me the feelings were always the same. Yet, years later when I once again confessed my feelings for a girl she completely cut me out. 

As for Anurima, I am tired of constantly explaining to her things that I wasn't even aware of. Such as, someone telling her that I fell in love with her boyfriend when I clearly wasn't in love. Nothing about that boy appealed to me except for the fact that he could sing. As a teenager in a small town it was all very appealing but once I saw the world and met all the talents that could be found, I came to terms with the fact that simply strumming some of your favourite chords doesn't make you a good musician. And reading Sidney Sheldon clearly is a sin. 

'

I was fortunate enough to get out early and spend enough time, developing my taste both in men and life. However, when I was made to look back once again by two angry people I felt like a chain pulling me back. And I didn't want to go back. I have come too far to re-wire myself into what I was. 

But very unfortunately, ever since that fight I have been feeling like I am constantly being dragged behind. And I fear this time I won't be able to make it out. 

LIES! I always make it out. And this time, too, I will. I know I will call up Anurima and mend things with her. I will apologise to her for everything I said and did but perhaps she will choose to not forgive me and no more include me in her life. I should be prepared to be okay with that. It will shake me to the core but I am not the one who can change her mind. All I can do is hold myself together when she tries to saw me down. 

That's all for now. 

With love.